That’s just how I am

Negotiation has never been my thing. Ever since I started working, I’ve always struggled to ask for a promotion, a pay rise or even negotiate my salary during an interview. “I’m just not good at it. That’s just how I am” I’d think. I’d work extremely hard and silently so that my superiors could notice and recognise my efforts. Yet in the end, it rarely happened.

But it wasn’t until the moment when I started leading a team back in 2015 that I realised it wasn’t just me. Compared to male applicants, women would never have a figure in mind when asked for salary expectations. They wouldn’t push for a better one if they didn’t agree with the offer. They would never ask for a career jump let alone a pay rise. I couldn’t stop wondering: are women* less likely to ask for what they need? Are there hidden forces that impede them from asking as much as men do? Is our own culture discouraging them from even recognising that they can ask?

What stops women from speaking up?

Curious to unleash where this behaviour was coming from, I started my research journey and stumbled upon an interesting fact. An MIT study reveals that the contrast between women and men in their asking capacity leads to men having more possibilities and accumulating more resources (Valian 1999).

So why can’t women just ask for more? Evidence suggests that it’s because women perceive their circumstances are more absolute — therefore less negotiable — than what they actually are (Babcock 2003).

Women perceive their circumstances are more absolute — thus less negotiable — than what they actually are. Stanford University research study

If we think about it, the idea of women having access to human rights is still quite a novelty. Let’s put it in context by acknowledging 3 historical facts:

– Voting rights. Even though the first general elections took place in 1695, women first gained Nation-state right to vote more than 200 years later. Namely:

• First was New Zealand in 1893,
• the US followed in 1920,
• and later Britain in 1928.

– Reproductive Rights. Abortion on request occurs only in 67 countries, being Argentina the most recent one in December 2020.

– Educational rights. Even though the concept of universities exists since 1008, no woman was allowed to earn a Bachelor of Science degree in the British Empire until 1875.

Essentially, women have been dependant on the whim of others by being denied the right to vote, rejected from deciding over their bodies, restricted from access to formal education, among others. The impact of this historic and political problem influences us all in several ways, and it starts from home (Austin 2001, Babcock 2003, Criado Perez 2017, Miller 2020, Phillip 2020, Tanen 2001, Valian 2001).

From the moment that we’re born, girls and boys are treated differently. Girls are often encouraged to be caring and nurturing whereas boys are nudged to be bold and brave (Babcock 2003). According to experts, this behaviour has several consequences. To name a few:

• it reinforces the belief that girls need to be helped more than boys,
• it influences the confidence in girls’ talents and skills,
• it translates into self-doubt and underestimation.

The reinforcement of these gender stereotypes that start in childhood evolve into unquestionable sources of truth by the time we get to the workforce (Babcock 2003, Criado Perez 2019, Sandberg 2013, Tannen 2001).

You don’t have what it takes

When we get into the workforce, we quickly learn that career progression oftentimes depends upon taking risks and advocating for oneself. Nonetheless, girls are often discouraged from exhibiting these behaviours. This might account for why women tend to judge their performance as worse than it is while men judge their own as better than it actually is (Exley et al 2019, Sandberg 2013).

Women judge their performance as worse than it is while men judge their own as better than it is. Harvard study. “Gender gap in self-promotion”

The insecurity that comes from childhood has a strong impact on not only women’s performance but also their career progression. And what’s more concerning is the fact that their fear of failure also influences external perceptions (Sandberg 2013). Think about it, would you trust someone as a leader if they lacked self-confidence?

In other words, it’s not easy to assimilate that we all unconsciously perpetuate gender-biased standards for behaviour. So things aren’t any easier for those women who do “dare” to ask (Babcock 2003).

We all unconsciously perpetuate gender-biased standards for behaviour.

Women who have the courage to fight for what they want are believed to be bold and ambitious yet these attributes are far from positive. Conversely, women with these characteristics are usually discredited as dominant, aggressive or bossy. Experts believe that the perception of strong women transgresses the invisible rules about acceptable social conduct (Roy 2014, Sandberg 2013).

The perception of strong women transgresses the invisible rules about acceptable social conduct.

Indeed, recent research indicates that we Men and Women are more severe against women than we are against men:

• Women’s judgment tends to be more questioned,
• they face higher performance standards,
• they receive harsher judgment for mistakes and penalties,
• and they’re scrutinized under increased pressure to perform, especially in upper management roles.

This may justify why, according to researchers, the way we see and evaluate women is what makes them assume that they will gain success and progress simply by working hard. This environment reinforces the assumption that they don’t have what it takes to get to the top, consolidating the leadership ambition gap. Not surprisingly, a recent study showed that a mere 18% of women want to reach the C-suite (Babcock 2003, Coury et Al. 2020).

Women believe that they will gain success and progress simply by working hard. Harvard Business School study

According to Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s COO, this could explain why even though the educated workforce’s pipeline is full of women at the entry-level, it’s astonishingly stocked with men when reaching Executive positions. As a matter of fact, in 2020, for every 100 men promoted to manager in the United States, 85 were women. This gap was even bigger with Latinas who represented only 71, followed by black women being 58. Put differently, because men hold most of the leadership roles in upper management, women don’t believe they can get them. Thus, they don’t (Coury et al. 2020, Sandberg 2013).

From awareness to action

So far, we’ve explored some of the reasons why women are less likely to ask for what they want. We’ve also identified some of the invisible forces that impede them from asking as much as men do. Last but not least, we’ve explored how our culture discourages them from recognising that they can ask.

There’s still a long way to go to champion gender equality. Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean you can’t start today. Because little changes in people’s daily routines can have long-lasting effects on their behaviours (Ariely 2008), here are 15 tips for allies, managers and women to boost gender equity at work: